Six ways mothers can find balance & stay focused

An article titled 'Mother, Nor Martyr', written by Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine in Imam Suhaib Webb's Virtual Mosque. Here's the link to the original article (where you can read the comments, too).

Being a mother is certainly not easy. As Allah describes in the Qur’an, “His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years.” (31:14). These weaknesses are often referred to as pregnancy, birthing and nursing. But that is just the beginning.

Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”

As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.

Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.

Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:

1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.”

Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.

2. “I will take care of myself.”

Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.

3. “I am not a perfect mother.”

Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.

4. “I will make my marriage a priority.”

Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.

5. “I will value my friendships.”

Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.

6. “I will prioritize family dinners.”

Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.

Effortless parenting

Parents have different styles of parenting. There is no one style which is right, or wrong. It all depends on our individual principles, values, philosophy, personalities, etc.

Here's one style of parenting, 'The Rules or Effortless Parenting' by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, father of 6 kids.

Rules of Effortless Parenting

There is really only one rule: Love Them. But you already knew that one, so let’s get into details:

1. Teach kids to be self-sufficient. Our kids started by learning how to pick up after themselves (as 1 and 2 year olds), and later learned how to feed themselves breakfast, brush their teeth and shower and dress themselves, wash dishes and clean up in the kitchen, clean their rooms, do laundry, etc. Our jobs as parents became tons easier, but it does take a little patient teaching in the beginning of each skill.

2. Teach older kids to help with the younger kids. If you have multiple kids, this rule is golden. Our teens can help the little kids with anything. That makes our jobs a lot easier, and the older kids learn responsibility.

3. Teach them to solve problems. This is really the main job of unschooling, which is the philosophy we follow as homeschoolers. Our kids don’t learn facts or even skills. They learn to solve problems on their own. If they know how to do this, they can learn any facts or skills they need to solve their problems. Want to learn how to write a computer program? That’s just another problem that you need to learn how to solve. Want to cook Thai food, or write a blog, or start a business, or build something? Problems that you can solve.

4. Show them how to be passionate. The other main thing you teach unschoolers, besides solving their own problems, is how to be passionate about something. If they know this, they will do work they’re passionate about as adults. How do you teach them this? By modeling it yourself. By doing projects with them where you’re passionate about something. Kids learn an amazing amount by watching and mimicking.

5. Play with them outside, and be active. Spending time with your kids is one of the best ways to show them you love them. Playing with them is one of the best ways to spend time with them. Playing outside shows them how to be active and have fun being active. I also stay active on my own, but I make sure they know what I’m doing, why, and how much fun it is. They have a role model who is healthy and fit, and that will help them for the rest of their lives.

6. Don’t overschedule. Most parents schedule too many classes, sports, parties, activities. We give our kids lots of unstructured, unscheduled time. They have to figure out what to do with that time. That’s an important skill to learn. It also means their lives are less stressed out, as are ours, and they learn a slower pace of life.

7. Don’t dote. I’ve seen lots of parents that dote on everything their kids do, who are worried about every little thing their kid might touch or that might cause a fall. Back off, and give them some space. They need attention, but they also need some time alone to explore, to fall and get back up, to scrape their knees, to figure stuff out on their own. Go do something on your own, and leave your kids alone sometimes.

8. Dance. Because life without dance is dull and not worth living. Play loud music. Go crazy.

9. Read with them, and read in front of them. Kids love books, especially if you read them with them. Here are some of my favorites. If you are a reader yourself, and they see that, this will teach them to love reading too. Reading is one of the best loves you can instill in kids.

10. Be inquisitive. Ask questions about everything, and encourage them to do the same. Kids are naturally inquisitive … they can ask a million questions, because everything is new to them. Learn to see the world through their eyes — it’s amazing. Why the hell IS the sky blue? Why do leaves change color? How does a bird fly? These are brilliant questions, and you should explore them with the kids — don’t just give them answers, but show them how to find out.

What Works by Hamish McRae

In this book, Hamish McRae wrote about lessons from 20 success stories around the globe, including the Edinburgh Arts Festival, Zurich drug rehabilitation, New York philanthrophism, Harvard – the world’s top university, property development in Dubai, the high-tech industries of Bangalore, public safety in Tokyo, Australia – the great sporting nation, the International Baccalaurate and others.

In the final chapter, he concluded by listing down 10 main lessons. And I quote “Here are powerful ideas that can be applied to many situations. If they are applied sensitively and thoughtfully, there will be better outcomes. We can all learn from things that work.”

1. Optimism – balanced by realism
- Pessimism paralyses
- Progress never follows a straight line

2. Excellence – tempered by decency
- If in the drive to be the best you neglect your wider responsibilities, you are liable to end up in greater trouble when you meet headwinds
- Pursue excellence but be aware of the needs and aspirations of those below the elite level

3. Community works – if it is allowed to
- Mobilize locally, but go outside for help when needed
– Look at things from ground up
– Celebrate community

4. Government works too
- Compare like with like

5. Become a true magnet for talent
- Create an environment that gets talent to attract talent
– Put out the welcome mat

6. Be honest about failure
- Face failure, and turn it to your advantage
– Keep learning, keep making mistakes

7. The need for humility
- Be as sensitive to success as you are to failure
– Acknowledge good fortune

8. Be nimble
- Be quick to adapt

9. Listen to the market
- Work with the market to effect change
– Remember, it is about more than money
– Manage your resources carefully

10. Have a sense of mission
- Keep it real
– Do right by those who share your objectives
– Keep the long game in view

In the example of New York philantrophism, the author pictured that Americans feel that they want to see something happen, they take actions, rather than just wait for the authority to act on it. In a way, it’s related to the ‘American Dream’ – anyone can get what they want or be who they want to be if they work hard enough for it.

Coincidentally, a few days after I finished this book, a friend shared this link about a philantrophist who built a special theme park for disabled children and named it Morgan’s Wonderland after Morgan, his 17-year-old daughter, who can't perform simple maths and struggles to form sentences because of cognitive disabilities.

Petikan daripada buku

Tiga petikan pilihan daripada dua buku yang baru saya selesai uliti baru-baru ini:

Dua daripada buku 'Moga Bonda Disayang Allah' tulisan Tere-Liye (versi terjemahan terbitan PTS Litera):

Mukasurat 191:

Benarlah. Jika kalian sedang bersedih, jika kalian sedang terpagut pada masa lalu yang menyakitkan, penuh penyesalan seumur hidup, salah satu ubatnya ialah dengan menyedari masih banyak orang lain yang lebih sedih dan mengalami kejadian yang lebih menyakitkan dibandingkan kalian. Masih banyak orang lain yang tidak lebih beruntung dibanding kita. Itu akan memberikan pengertian yang hidup ini belum berakhir. Itu akan membuat kita selalu meyakini, setiap makhluk berhak atas suatu harapan.

Mukasurat 220:

Dalam proses kepergian, lazimnya yang pergi selalu lebih ringan dibandingkan yang ditinggalkan. Lebih ringan untuk melupakan ... Yang pergi akan menemui tempat-tempat baru, kenalan-kenalan baru, kehidupan-kehidupan baru, yang perlahan tapi pasti semua itu akan mengisi dan menggantikan kenangan lama. Sementara yang ditinggalkan lazimnya tetap dengan segala kenangan itu ...

Yang ini daripada buku 'Life of Pi' tulisan Yann Martel, Bab 25:

There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business is as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.

These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the publis arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self-righteous should rush.

Memos from your child

Borrowed from a friend's FB link/notes, with thanks.

1. Don’t spoil me.
I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for.

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me.
I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.

3. Don’t let me form bad habits.
I have to rely on you to detect them at the early stages.

4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am.
It only makes me feel stupidly “big”.

5. Don’t correct me in front of people, if you can help it.
It will take much more notice, if you talk more quietly with me in private.

6. Don’t make me feel that my mistakes are sins.
It upsets my sense of values.

7. Don’t protect me from my consequences.
I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

8. Don’t be too upset if I say “I hate you”.
It isn’t you I hate but your power to thwart me.

9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments.
Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

10. Don’t nag.
If you do, I shall protect myself by appearing deaf.

11. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like.
This is why I’m not always very accurate.

12. Don’t tax my honesty too much.
I am easily frightened into telling lies.

13. Don’t make rash promises.
Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

14. Don’t be inconsistent.
That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

15. Don’t take my fear as silly.
They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

16. Don’t put me off when I ask questions.
If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.

17. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible.
It gives me too great a shock when I discover you are neither.

18. Don’t ever think it’s beneath your dignity to apologize to me.
An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

19. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up.
It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please do try.

20. Don’t forget I am experimenting.
I couldn’t get on without it so please put up with me.

21. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding love, but I don’t need to tell you, do I?

Hiduplah bagai warga asing di perantauan

Post ini diringkaskan daripada artikel (dengan tajuk yang sama) tulisan Roslan Kassim dalam majalah Anis keluaran November 2010. Saya ingin kongsikan di sini sebab saya rasa perspektif yang dijelaskan menarik dan mengesankan.

Setiap kita datang ke dunia ini dengan tangan kosong, dibenarkan hidup untuk tempoh tertentu sehinggal ajal bertandang (yang tidak diketahui bila). Sepanjang tempoh itu, kita dibenarkan mundar-mandir mencari bekalan dan penghidupan di dunia ini. Orang yang bijak akan membuat simpanan dan pelaburan untuk kehidupan pada masa akan datang yang kekal abadi. Sebaliknya, mereka yang bodoh akan sibuk mengumpul harta dunia atau leka dengan permainan dan perhiasannya.

Rasulullah ada mengingatkan kita bahawa dunia ini adalah satu kembara. Sabda baginda: "Hiduplah kamu di dunia seolah-olah kamu ini warga asing atau pengembara di sebuah perjalanan." (Riwayat Imam Bukhari)

Maka, apakah ciri-ciri perantau/pengembara/orang dagang yang perlu kita fahami dan adaptasi? Antaranya:

1) Orang dagang itu tahu bahawa dia berada di tempat asing yang bukan kediaman kekal. Dia tahu dia berada di situ buat sementara waktu sahaja.

2) Orang dagang itu atau merantau itu tahu dengan jelas tujuan dia berada di tempat itu. Contohnya untuk mencari ilmu, mengumpul wang, dan sebagainya.

3) Orang dagang atau warga asing itu tidak terikat emosi dan rohaninya dengan tempat dia merantau. Hati dan ingatannya sentiasa terikat dengan tempat asalnya. Justeru dia hidup ala kadar sahaja tanpa perancangan jauh untuk tinggal tetap di tempat dia merantau.

4) Orang dagang itu berkeinginan satu hari nanti untuk kembali ke tempat asal. Kembalinya pula bukan dengan tangan kosong, tetapi membawa kejayaan, kemuliaan dan kemenangan.

5) Orang dagang berhati-hati dan patuh kepada undang-undang di tempat dia berada, kerana tidak mahu timbul sebarang masalah atau terpenjara di tempat dia merantau.

6) Orang dagang itu hatinya rindu dan ingin bertemu kembali dengan sanak saudara dan sahabat handai di tempat asal. Di tempat merantau tiada saudara atau sahabat sejati, hanya kawan dan kenalan.

7) Orang dagang di perantauan hanya hidup ala kadar, tidak memupuk harta kerana nanti apabila hendak balik ke tempat asal akan susah dan terbeban. Ini kerana payah atau tidak mungkin untuk membawa pulang banyak barang ke kampung halaman.

8) Orang berdagang di perantauan itu sangat kuat bergantung hati dengan Allah untuk medapat bantuan dan pertolongan. Sebab apa-apa pun boleh terjadi di luar jangkaan dan perancangannya.

What are you working on?

One of the blogs I subscribe to is Seth Godin's and I would like to share here 3 of the posts that I really like (means that I keep the emails and didn't delete them after reading them):

One

Reasons to work

1 For the money
2 To be challenged
3 For the pleasure/calling of doing the work
4 For the impact it makes on the world
5 For the reputation you build in the community
6 To solve interesting problems
7 To be part of a group and to experience the mission
8 To be appreciated

Why do we always focus on the first? Why do we advertise jobs or promotions as being generic on items 2 through 8 and differentiated only by #1?

In fact, unless you're a drug kingpin or a Wall Street trader, my guess is that the other factors are at work every time you think about your work.

Two

Where do ideas come from?

1 Ideas don't come from watching television
2 Ideas sometimes come from listening to a lecture
3 Ideas often come while reading a book
4 Good ideas come from bad ideas, but only if there are enough of them
5 Ideas hate conference rooms, particularly conference rooms where there is a history of criticism, personal attacks or boredom
6 Ideas occur when dissimilar universes collide
7 Ideas often strive to meet expectations. If people expect them to appear, they do
8 Ideas fear experts, but they adore beginner's mind. A little awareness is a good thing
9 Ideas come in spurts, until you get frightened. Willie Nelson wrote three of his biggest hits in one week
10 Ideas come from trouble
11 Ideas come from our ego, and they do their best when they're generous and selfless
12 Ideas come from nature
13 Sometimes ideas come from fear (usually in movies) but often they come from confidence
14 Useful ideas come from being awake, alert enough to actually notice
15 Though sometimes ideas sneak in when we're asleep and too numb to be afraid
16 Ideas come out of the corner of the eye, or in the shower, when we're not trying
17 Mediocre ideas enjoy copying what happens to be working right this minute
18 Bigger ideas leapfrog the mediocre ones
19 Ideas don't need a passport, and often cross borders (of all kinds) with impunity
20 An idea must come from somewhere, because if it merely stays where it is and doesn't join us here, it's hidden. And hidden ideas don't ship, have no influence, no intersection with the market. They die, alone.

Three

What are you working on?

If someone asks you that, are you excited to tell them the answer?

I hope so. If not, you're wasting away.

No matter what your job is, no matter where you work, there's a way to create a project (on your own, on weekends if necessary), where the excitement is palpable, where something that might make a difference is right around the corner.

Hurry, go do that.

What am I working on? I'm working on some six or seven things at the moment. I only have time to physically work on three or four at the moment, but the remaining three remains lurking in my head. I think about them often, for example when I'm driving (a lot of thinking can be done in one-hour solo journeys, really). And Seth Godin is so right about the excitement being palpable. I hope some of these things I'm working on will come to fruition this year, insyaAllah.

Strong personal foundation

The following article is taken from the eHomemaker's website.

Top 10 Tools For A Strong Personal Foundation

Coaching is about living great lives. It’s about living lives based on our values, our priorities and our choices. And, as in building a great building, it takes a very strong foundation. In fact, the more spectacular the visible parts of the building are going to be, the more time and precision has to go into preparing the supporting structures and systems underneath. But one of the most difficult things in life is spending the necessary time on the foundations.

Most of us are eager to build, to start living the life of our dreams, and the temptation is always to neglect the details of a strong personal foundation. Here are my Top 10 Tools for creating the foundation that will support whatever else you want in your life:

1. Get plenty of sleep. I know, that wasn’t on the list when I was younger either, but as Vince Lombardi noted, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all." Tired people are cranky, they miss opportunities and make careless decisions. And, getting plenty of sleep suggests a fairly regular pattern to your day, some structure and orderliness, and that’s a good thing!

2. Eat well. Yeah, I know, another boring one. But the body needs good stuff to keep it sharp and ready to serve you. Some people go a long way on this, carefully nurturing their bodies with organic fruits and vegetables. I don’t have that discipline, but replacing potato chips with carrot sticks, sure does seem to help. Cut down on fat, drink more water and fruit juice, and see what happens!

3. Exercise. Even a walk around the block does wonders to clear the head! At least 30 minutes, 3 or 4 times a week, and more if you enjoy it. Work up a sweat, huff and puff a bit. They say you’ll live longer. I know it gets me out of the office, away from the phone and computer for a few minutes, and my dog loves the chance to run! Enjoy it.

4. Read a lot. Read magazines and history, read biographies and cheap novels, but read. Follow politics and the economy, keep up with current films and take a moment to follow sports and those funny short stories in Reader’s Digest. It gives you perspective, broadens your point of view, and, like exercise, it gets you away from the phone and computer for a few minutes. It may even make you wiser!

5. Meditate. Keep a journal, or pray. Develop your own style and preferences for making peace with your world, and do it every day. Find the time and place that works best for you, sit quietly, settle into your routine, and take time to notice. Stuff will come up. You’ll have ideas, you’ll fall asleep, you’ll remember what’s really important. Whatever happens, be at peace with it.

6. Eliminate tolerations. Keep your nest clean! There’s no excuse to be tripping over the same clutter every day. It slows you down, and it wears you out. Some people are "neater" than others, and this isn’t about having a clean desk, unless that’s important to you. This is about eliminating those annoying frustrations that come up every week. Get a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, a gardener, and at least have your car washed! If it annoys you, deal with it.

7. Keep relationships clean. It’s not possible to be best friends with everyone, and some relationships do end, but that’s not as expensive as having a strained relationship that drains you every day. If you have "friendships" that need to end, take care of it. If you have an intimate partner with whom you need to spend more time, schedule it tonight. Stay on good terms with those you can, and end those relationships that are never going to support you. Just do it.

8. Do work you love. Doing a job you dislike is exhausting. I often talk with folks who are eager to change careers "as soon as…." They usually finish the sentence with something that will happen in a few years. Why wait? Life is too short! I suspect the time lost is a greater risk than making the change right now! Do what you love!

9. Laugh a lot! Humor and warm friendships, love and laughter go further to maintain "balance" than all the programs I’ve ever tried. Life is either a wonderful, strange and funny dance…or it’s too scary to think about. Either way, laugh all the way through!

10. Develop your "Daily 10". Have a regular pattern of 10 wonderful things you do every day for your own vibrant personal foundation. Find your own little rituals that just make you feel good! Every day, do 10 simple things that remind you how special, powerful, alive and wonderful you are! Delight in them!

Here's to you, and to building a strong, deep and lasting foundation that will support you for many years to come!

Written by Dr. Philip E. Humbert, writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It's all on his website at: http://www.philiphumbert.com

A poem: The Final Analysis

The poem below is forwarded by a friend of mine. I like it, so I'm sharing it with you:

The Final Analysis
by Dr Wayne W. Dyer

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered:
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.


The poem above is a version from the original poem below (I wonder about copyright issues though).

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr Kent M. Keith, 1968

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

The paradox of our time

The following is borrowed from a friend's blog (thanks JY!):

Comedian George Carlin’s viewpoint and the message that comes with it seem so appropriate.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Highways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Just take a moment and THINK about it.

Quotable quotes

Borrowed from cik adik Intan, with thanks.

“It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted.” — Mary O’Connor

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” — James Allen

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” — Jim Rohn

“The freedom to do your best means nothing unless you are willing to do your best.” — Colin Powell

“Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.” — Henri Bergson

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

“Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.” — Jonathan Kozol

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” — Winston Churchill

In the spirit of Olympics

Just sharing a short note from my HR lady. Although targeted for workplace, I think these points are applicable to other aspects of our life as well.

Creating the Spirit of the Olympics in the Workplace

In the Olympics, we see a lot of the same human issues that confront us in the workplace. If you look carefully, you will find that the ways world athletes behave before, during, and after the Olympics offer us a lot of lessons we can learn from to improve people's performance in the workplace. After all, sports have always offered us metaphors and models for coaching and leadership. Here are ways to create the spirit of the Olympics at work.

• Every Four Years, Not Every Quarter: Most organizations put too much focus on the quarterly reporting of results. Real change in human performance requires a longer view of things.


• Coaching for Performance: To perform at their peak, people need to be coached, not managed. The Coaching process of tough yet friendly feedback, modeling of desired behavior, constant guidance and continuous, incremental improvement is a model that works well at work too.


• Practice Makes Perfect: No athlete will perform in the actual competition without years of rigorous practice. At work, people cannot suspend work to practice. They must work and practice at the same time.


• Build Teams, Not Individuals: Even competitions that do not involve a team require effective teamwork between the coach and the athlete, and perhaps other people as well such as the managers, administrators, and the medical team. No Basketball team or Soccer team can achieve much without effective teamwork. How much training on team building have you participated in at work lately?


• Motivation and Rewards: The motivation for the Olympic athletes is never money. It's the global recognition of being the best. It's the satisfaction of beating the previous world record, and going just a notch beyond what was previously possible. That's the kind of culture you need to create at work.


• Failure Is The Beginning, Not the End: No athlete will strive to participate in the Olympics just once in a lifetime. Most keep going back and trying more. If they fail, they strive harder to win. If they win, they try harder to break their own record and win even bigger.

Lesson for today

Don't leave crayons in the car and under the sunlight. They melt and make a mess! I wonder what is the melting temperature for crayons. [google google google] = about 50 degrees Celcius. No wonder...



But nevermind that. Even more seriously, don't leave your cellphone in your car! I got a circulation from my department's safety officer about an incident where a cellphone exploded (read more below). It happened in Saudi, where it's probably much hotter than here. But still, let's not take chances shall we?

An incident of a mobile phone explosion inside a vehicle cabin was reported in Saudi Arabia lately.

Incident Background
Mobile phone units were left inside the car compartment while the vehicle was parked in an open area. One of the phones had its power “on”. It was close to midday. Reportedly after an hour in the park, one of the mobile phones exploded.

What Went Wrong?
Obviously the mobile phone’s battery is the only component as the legitimate source of stored energy.
The solar heat obviously pressurized the car’s closed cabin. What triggers the explosion could be the overheated battery caused by extremely high temperature magnified by the windshield (glass) and the sealed (unventilated) vehicle cabin.

Lessons Learned
Better not to leave mobile phones in car compartment especially when the vehicle is exposed to direct sunlight for a prolonged period.

Crucial Conversations – Final

Oh no, not this boring post! Fret not, it’s the last one. The final chapter is called Move to Action – how to turn crucial conversations into actions and results. Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree on what we’re going to do with the meaning.

There are two skills involved in this, the first is – decide how to decide. Sometimes, this bit is easy when the line of authority is clear. For example, at work where some decisions is made by the management team or bosses, or at home by parents. But at other times, it may not be so clear. For example, children deserve to play a part in making decisions regarding their free time activities. In these cases, it’s useful to know that there are four methods to make decisions, and perhaps it’s a good idea to agree on which method to use while discussing the issues.

The first is command. We either don’t have a choice but to follow the order (for example, a new policy being introduced at work), or we let others make the decision, either because we trust the someone to make a good decision on our behalf or it’s a low-stake issue that we don’t care enough to be involved. The second is consult, whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. They gather ideas and opinions, evaluate options, make a choice, and them inform the broader population. Consulting can be an efficient way of gaining ideas and support without bogging down the decision-making process. Parents can consult their children on variety of issues, for example which school they’d like to go to, but at the end of the day, it's still the parents who will make the final call. The third is vote, where efficiency is the highest value, and if you’re selecting from a number of options. But the disadvantage is the members who voted against the popular choice may not support the decision. In these cases, consensus is required. Consensus is the fourth option, but it can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. It means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions, but if misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. An example of a consensual decision in a household is when husband and wife discussed and agreed over which property to purchase together.

The second skill is – making assignments, putting decisions into action. It would be useful to spell out or clarify the actions following the decision by the following four elements: Who? Does what? By when? And how will you follow up? This is something that everyone is likely to be familiar with. It’s best to document this, rather than leave it to memory, especially with office assignments, perhaps as part of the minutes of meeting. Make the deliverables clear, record the commitments and then follow up.

Okay, so that’s the end of the story. To recap, these are the chapters that had been covered earlier:
Introduction
Start With Heart
Learn to Look
Make It Safe
Master My Stories
STATE My Path
Explore Others’ Paths

Good luck!

SELINGAN
Some light conversations (casual, not crucial) that I’ve had with my son Munief recently:

ONE
Munief came and gave his sister Afiefah, who was sitting on my lap, a hug.
“Aw.. isn’t that sweet,” I said.
“Nak sweet!” Munief responded.
“Ops, you misunderstood me. That’s not what I meant!”
“Nak sweet!!”
“I’m sorry Munief, Ummi takde sweet. Really!”

TWO
I pointed to the tahi lalat on my arm to Munief and asked,
“Ni apa?”
“Gatal.” Munief answered.
“Bukan, Ummi tak gatal pun.”
“Miyah (merah).”
“Ni bukan merah. Ni hitam. Orang panggil tahi lalat.”
“Talat,” Munief said and slapped the little mole. Ummi laughed.
“Tahi lalat tak sama dengan lalat. And in any case, orang biasanya teboh (slap) nyamuk, bukan lalat!”

THREE
I was cleaning some chicken parts to be cooked for lunch. It was at Tuk’s house, where the kitchen opens out to the backyard. I pointed to some hens at the backyard to Munief.
“Tu apa?”
“Ayam.”
After awhile, I asked again, this time pointing to the chicken in the besen.
“Ni apa?”
“Ayam.” Munief answered. He paused for awhile before saying, “Sama!” while pointing to the hens clucking away in the backyard. I laughed.
“Well, I suppose they are. But those are still alive. This one kita nak masak, lepas tu makan.”

Crucia1 C0nversations - Part 7

The next installation of the Crucia1 C0nversation series is Explore Others' Paths, how to listen when others blow up or clam up. I personally find this chapter rather useful not necessarily as the person directly involved in he conflict, but more as a third person or as a 'mediator'. For example, in the office environment, say in a meeting, when two persons start arguing unproductively, I'd try to use some of the techniques here to lead the discussion back to being productive.

First we have to start with heart - be ready to listen. Be sincere - we have to mean it when we invite them to share their views. Be curious - even when they're upset at us, or we feel that we are under attack, surely we wonder what's really behind this. Stay curious - even when they are sharing unflattering stories about us! Don't resort quickly to pulling out our own Victim, Villain, or Helpless Stories to explain why they're saying what they're saying. Be patient - the other person may still be high on adrenaline if they react in such silence or violence, so it may take some time for them to settle down. Encourage others to retrace their path. Remember the see/hear - tell a story - feel - act sequence? Every sentence, or act, has a history. Try to guide them by asking questions that help them to go back from the beginning. And remember to look for facts.

To encourage others to share their paths we can use four listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly. They can be easily remembered with the acronym AMPP - Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime. Ask to get things rolling - the most obvious and straightforward one. Mirror to confirm feelings - is like holding a mirror to the other person, describing how they look or act. Paraphrase to acknowledge story - so that the other person knows you are trying to understand and that it is safe to talk candidly. And finally, Prime when you are getting nowhere - think your guess out loud, with the intention to encourage the other person to share. But this is not the kind of thing you would do unless nothing else worked.

Some examples:
I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm controlling your life. (Ask)
Cuba pakcik cerita. Apa yang pakcik dengar atau tengok? (Ask)
You said it's no big deal, but your intonation suggest otherwise. (Mirror)
Jadi, adik marah sebab adik tak suka kalau orang lain kacau barang-barang adik, betul? (Paraphrase)
Could it be that you are thinking that we do this just because of the money? (Prime)
Sayang merajuk sebab abang tak belikan beg yang sayang nak tu ke? (Prime)

Let's say you've succeeded in making the other person open up and sharing. What next? Remember your ABCs: Agree when you do, Build if others leave something out, and Compare - when you do differ significantly, don't suggest the other peson is wrong, instead compare your two views.

The next and last part will be Move to Action, how to turn crucial conversations into action and results.

Crucia1 C0nversations - Part 6

I've been wanting to post something for quite awhile now, but my internet time is pretty scarce nowadays. Anyway, I've decided to resume my long-forgotten series of Crucia1 C0nversations sharing. The chapters that had previously been shared are:
Introduction
Start With Heart
Learn to Look
Make It Safe, and
Master My Stories
The chapter to be discussed today is:
STATE My Path
And hopefully I'll be able to finish these last two chapters in the not-too-distant future:
Explore Others' Path
Move to Action

Okay, so far the previous chapters had only gotten us prepared, all were inside our heads - not a word has left our mouths. Now is the time to actually start talking, to STATE My Path, to speak persuasively and not abrasively. When we want to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety, which is by carefully blending 3 ingredients - confidence, humility, and skills.

For this chapter, the skills can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE, which stands for:
S hare your facts
T ell your story
A sk for others' path
T alk tentatively
E ncourage testing
The first 3 skills describe what to do, while the last 2 tell how to do it.

Share your facts. To recap from previous chapter Master My Stories, the Path to Action starts with 'See/Hear', followed by 'Tell A Story', 'Feel', and finally 'Act'. The best way to share our view is to follow our Path to Action from beginning to end - the same way we traveled it. Unfortunately, when we're confronted with difficult situations, our tendency is to do the opposite because we would probably be 'high' on emotions and our own stories. Facts provide a safe beginning because facts are least controversial, most persuasive, and least insulting. Compare this: "You can't be trusted" to this: "You completed this assignment two days later than our agreed deadline."

Tell your story. This can be a bit tricky. Even if we've started with facts, the other person can still become defensive when we move from facts to stories. However, it is necessary to share our story because if we mention facts alone, the other person may not understand what we are getting at. A few tips when telling your story: be confident, don't pile it on, look for safety problems and use contrasting.

Ask for others' paths. Once we've shared our point of view, facts and stories alike, invite others to do the same. If our goal is listen and learn rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you'll be willing to hear others' views. By being open to learning, we are demonstrating our humility, which is one of the necessary ingredients.

Talk tentatively. This means that we should tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a fact. Strike a blend between confidence and humility. Swap "The fact is.." with "In my opinion..". Soften "It's clear to me.." to "I'm beginning to wonder if.." etc. However, remember that we want to be tentative, not wimpy. We don't want to be too hard, nor do we want to be too soft - we want to be just right. Example:
Too hard: Are you stealing office stuffs?
Too soft: This will probably sound silly, but...
Just right: It's starting to look like you're taking this home for your own use. Is that what's going on here?

Encourage testing. This last bit is the 'how' to Ask for others' paths bit. You have to be sincere about wanting to hear the stories on the other side. Invite opposing views and mean it. You may even have to play the devil's advocate. More on others' views to be explored in the next chapter Explore Others' Paths.

For fun, here's a joke that has been around for while, borrowed from Anamiraa's blog (pinjam ye, kak) - very relevant to the Master My Stories chapter :)

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but his mind was far away.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY

Today Liverpool lost again.

Networking

The scene was too familiar. It was teabreak during a business conference and there I was, standing alone at the corner, quietly eating my cake and sipping my tea. I watched other people maximize this time to socialize and build network. “Hi, we haven’t met. I’m so-and-so, doing so-and-so at so-and-so department. You are?” It seemed easy enough. But not for me – I am always the quiet one (or introverted, the term commonly used in personality tests), who finds it difficult to make small talk with strangers. Company lunches and other social events are exhausting for me, for it takes significant amount of effort to be ‘entertaining and entertained’. Some people may not understand this – what’s so difficult about socializing?

In many areas, especially in the corporate and business worlds, networking is important. Who you know, DOES matter. For someone who’s pretty bad at networking, I used to think that this is rather unfair and can somewhat be construed as ‘cronyism’. But now that I’m (supposedly) several years wiser - I have revised my opinion: networking does make sense, though it’s still subject to abuse. In the workplace, knowing people does make it easier. For example, when you need certain information (non-confidential, mind you, to be ethically correct) from another department, knowing someone there would save you quite some valuable time. Or if you are a business owner, having a good network will definitely work wonders for example when you want to source for a reliable supplier or widen the target market your product. When it comes to deciding for the right person to take up a job, it gets a bit tricky. Of course, all candidates should be judged fairly and equally, but it will be an advantage for candidates who are known by the decision-makers. But the advantage shouldn’t be just because the decision-makers know the candidate fullstop, bur rather because the decision-makers know that the candidate can do a good job – see the difference?

But enough about workplace. Networking is important in our personal life too. It’s about building relationships. Wouldn’t it be great if we keep in touch with our relatives and friends, and furthermore, keep on making new friends, and meeting even more extended family members? Afterall, ukhuwwah is not taken lightly in Islam. Having said all these, it's important to remember that we shouldn't network with the selfish intention of wanting to gain something from the relationship. Instead, let's try to be honest and ikhlas. A relationship for the sake of relationship itself – why not?

Having changed my mindset about networking hasn’t changed my personality – but at least I’m more open about it now. I do try to push myself out of my comfort zone once in a while, when I feel up for it. I smile and say “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Mynie, and you are?”

Further reading, taken from here.

Overcoming Fears of Social Phobia By Will Kintish

I quote from The Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Association web page:“In public places, such as work, meetings, or social and business gatherings, people with social anxiety feel that everyone is watching, staring and judging them (even though rationally they know this isn't true). The socially anxious person can't relax, ‘take it easy’ and enjoy themselves in public. In fact, they can never fully relax when other people are around. It always feels like others are evaluating them, being critical of them, or ‘judging’ them in some way. The person with social anxiety knows that people don't do this openly, of course, but they still feel the self-consciousness and judgment while they are in the other person's presence. It's sometimes impossible to let go, relax and focus on anything else except the anxiety and fear. Because the anxiety is so very painful, it's much easier just to stay away from social situations and avoid other people altogether.”

If this is a problem for you I can describe you in one word - "normal". We have presented to over 25,000 people and 99% tell us they have an issue walking into that room. That room...be it business or social.Consider these key 20 thoughts before walking in prior to attending events (both social or business).

1. You are about to give up 3 precious hours, unpaid, if it’s work related, so get the most out of it.

2. Get positive and think you will enjoy this event and have some real fun

3. This room will be familiar. You will see people on their own, open 2 ‘s and 3’s. They will be welcoming. Beware of the closed 2’s 3’s and 4+ groups unless there are people in there you already know.

4. Approach groups you feel comfortable with. Male/female? Younger /older? Tall/ not so tall?

5. What have you got in common with the people at the event? You all travelled to get here; you are guests of the same hosts; you are all this seminar to learn something; you both know the happy couple, but which side? Ask questions based on those topics you have in common.

6. Plan to talk to 3 new people and gain 3 new pieces of information. When you have prepared and found targets on the guest list ensure you introduce yourself to those people.

7. You are only selling yourself, not your company, it’s services or products. You are the human face of your organisation; when you make a great impression and they have a need for the services you offer you are the portal through which the prospect will come. Maybe not immediately but later, as long as you keep in touch.

8. Get yourself in the right state. Walk in ,head held high, shoulders back …and smile.

9. You are a decent and likeable person; believe in yourself and, in your area you have much knowledge and expertise.

10. Everyone at the event wants to network. They want to meet you just as much as you want to meet them. The chances of rejection are tiny.

11. There will be the odd rude person …let’s just get away from them as soon as possible.

12. It might happen, but very very occasionally you might get rejected. These people aren’t worth giving a second thought to. Let’s focus on the 99.9% of pleasant and
welcoming people.

13. If you are shy ( or believe you are) it has to be time to do your best to face your fears. Where possible aim to go with someone you know and ‘hunt in pairs’. When you find it starts to get easier aim to approach people on your own.

14. Move on from groups if you are not part of the conversation. Excuse yourself and start again approaching people alone, open two’s and three’s.

15. Let the other person do most of the talking. Be a good listener and encourage others talking about themselves.

16. It is more preferable to be more interested than interesting. You learn nothing than talking, only by listening.

17. Small talk is the foundation of all relationships. Home surroundings, holidays and travel, sports interests and hobbies, current events and family. Be sensitive to the last topic.

18. When you talk business ascertain the person’s background, how business is at present and where they see things going.

19. When you spot an opportunity ask for their business card and then ask permission to call a few days later. Write down the agreed date on the back of their card.

20. As soon as you get home diarise the call and annotate all useful information on the card in preparation of making that vital follow up call.

Diversity & inclusiveness

A couple of weeks ago, the company where I work held a week-long series of events to increase awareness and understanding of Diversity & Inclusiveness (D&I), of which I was part of the organizing committee. Some of the activities, and trying to get participation, reminds me of school times (and not in a positive way unfortunately). In addition to that, having this ‘co-curricular’ activity to do in a busy time when my boss was chasing me for this and that was rather stressful. But I’m not going to talk about that actually. Rather, I’d like to share a bit of what I understand about D&I. I’ve previously written a bit on microinequity (something highly related to D&I) here plus the addendum.

D&I is a concept that the group (referring to the worldwide group of company I’m working with) has adopted for many years. Edited from the official site:

Diversity means all the ways we differ. It includes visible differences such as age, gender, ethnicity and physical appearance; as well as underlying differences such as thought styles, religion, nationality, family background and education.

Inclusiveness means a workplace where differences are valued; where everyone has the opportunity to develop skills and talents consistent with our values and business objectives. The aim is to create an organisation where people feel involved, respected, connected – where the richness of ideas, backgrounds and perspectives are harnessed to create business value.

The group embraces D&I not just because it’s the right thing to do, but also because it truly believes that a diverse team creates value to the business; having people from different backgrounds in an environment where there is no barrier to fully contribute, will unleash creativity and facilitiate effective decision-making. The idea is to appreciate individuals for who they really are and what they can contribute rather than being biased because they are from a certain ethnic group, for example. D&I is such an important agenda such that target KPIs are put in place to ensure there’s fairly diverse team at almost every level, for example a certain percentage of women managers etc.

Of course, D&I is something applicable not just at the workplace but also in our everyday life. Do we judge or stereotype people by how they look or what their background is, rather than who they really are? Hope not. In Islam of course, D&I is naturally imbedded. Allah said, in Surah al-Hujurat verse 13:

O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).

Working at home: Smart strategies by Jamilah Samian

Remember the two seminars that I contemplated on going recently? Well, last Monday I attended the one organized by ehomemakers.net and Jabatan Pembangunan Wanita called Small Office Home Office Conference – “The Road to Entrepreneurship”. It was good – I felt inspired and motivated! I’d like to share with you some notes I took from the afternoon workshop by Jamilah Samian about smart strategies with regards to working from home. If the name Jamilah Samian sounds familiar to you, one of the reasons could be because you have read her book Cool Mum Super Dad.

But before that, I’d like to touch a bit on the other earlier sessions, just bits and pieces of what made the strongest impressions to me. Helen Read (founder of MS READ, fashion label for plus-sized women) recounted her own experience, which was pretty amazing. She reminded us not to despise the little things, that it’s okay to smart small. “I had fears,” she said. “But I didn’t allow myself to think about the outcomes and just concentrated on plodding along day by day.” Gary Gilbertson reminded us to really know the business of our business. And that includes understanding the marketing, finance, operation, and management bits of it. Dr Kamal Jit Singh spoke about innovation. In order to become a ‘disruptive force’, we have to understand the what business we are in (which is not the same as what products we are selling, for example Rolex don’t sell watch, they sell status symbol/lifestyle etc), understand pain and pleasure (to turn pain into pleasure eg design more fun exercise machines), adapt innovation from other industries, and become an ‘orange’. He paused (on purpose, I think) after saying this phrase. I was curious – what did he mean by that? Apparently, that’s just a catchy way of saying: you have to really differentiate yourself so that customers can’t compare you apple to apple with competitiors, in other words - you have to become an orange. Haha…

Okay, back to Puan Jamilah’s session. Firstly, let me clarify that the term ‘working from home’ should be interpreted as widely as possible – it does not necessarily mean having a business from home alone, it could also mean being employed but working from home all or part of the time (like what I do now - I work from home one week in a month, so I could really use some of these tips!), or doing freelance tasks, or studying, or even teaching your own child etc. To begin with, Puan Jamilah reminded us although working from home is very attractive because of the sense of freedom (and flexibility to be with our family), we have to remember that: with freedom comes responsibility! She started by giving some common causes of failures:

• Unrealistic expectations


• Inability to prioritise, disorganized, inability to work around kids, unsupportive spouse/family members


• Procrastination, lack of self-discipline, lack of self-motivation

So what are the smart strategies that Puan Jamilah had shared with us?

• Create a dedicated workspace, it could just a corner of the living room or bedroom, that is safe, secure, convenient and fits your needs and your family needs


• Preferably have your own PC, your kids might accidentally delete your work if you share PC with them


• Ensure safety (eg toddler grabbing cable/wires?)


• Utilize technology, for example WIFI


• Chunking/bundling your activities (eg make several changes to your website at one go if it’s not urgent, don’t check your email all the time – just limit yourself to two or three times a day, errands etc)


• Develop a routine


• Time management (consider diary/PDA)


• Analyse your activities (is there a better way to do things?)


• Identify time wasters


• Use timer for activities


• Get spouse/kids to help with housework


• Don’t be a perfectionist (for eg don’t refold the clothes your kid helped you fold because you think it’s not neat enough!)


• Outsource some mundane, non-value adding jobs eg laundry or cleaning


• Involve your kids/family with your work (age appropriate eg stapling, putting stamps – not because of the job itself but to make them understand and feel involved)


• Have sacred family time at least once a day eg dinnertime (so that they are less likely to feel like they need your attention all the time)


• When the clients/customers make impossible demands - negotiate, don’t make promises you can’t keep, and be prepared to say ‘no’


• Always do your best


• Stay in the present moment


• Set limits and be honest with yourself


• When things don’t work - forgive yourself, be kind to yourself


• Have a positive attitude, get as many positive people around you

During the Q&A session, I wanted to ask how to manage work when you have to mind your toddler and there’s no one else around, but someone else beat me to it. These are some tips from both Puan Jamilah and Sharon Ong (emcee for the workshop):

• Break down your working time, perhaps use some time before he wakes up, during his naptime (feed him heavy lunch!), after he sleeps


• Encourage him to entertain himself with toys and activities but make sure the environment is safe eg safety gate for stairs etc


• Consider getting a part time babysitter – doesn’t have to be a ‘proper’ babysitter because you know you are around to take care of things, but just someone to play with him, for example older kids (relative or neighbour maybe?)

It’s not easy to work from home. Puan Jamilah shared some of her personal stories. When she first started her freelance translation and copyrighting services from home, she had no experience (she was from IT background) or contact. She called the companies listed in the yellow pages one by one, until one kind heart from a cement company gave her a tip: “Kak, if you are looking for translation works, you don’t call cement companies. You call PR and advertising companies.” She also recalled how she managed typing on her laptop with one hand while breastfeeding one child as well as rocking another in a ‘buai’ – not recommended though, she added. Puan Jamilah is such a cool working-from-home mum; I hope I can emulate her in some ways. That’s all folks, hope there’s something to gain from this post.

SELINGAN: As far as I can remember, I was never lucky with lucky draws. But last Monday, I did win something – an ebook. I thought it would be an ebook on something like starting up a business or something, but it turned out to be (disappointingly) – DIY Maid to Order: Essential Tips & Tools For Training Your Foreign Maid For A Happier Home. I definitely don’t need the ebook now, and I hope I won’t ever need to read it! But then again, I just might – although I wish I don’t ever have to use live-in foreign maid services, I would definitely consider part-time help though in the future.

The guy who conquered more than Everest

In a business meeting last month, a guest speaker was invited to give a motivational presentation during dinner. David Lim is a passionate mountaineer who has made it to Everest (and other summits around the world), and came back to Singapore and set up a motivation company. As this guy recounted his (and his team) challenges during the preparation as well as the actual adventure of climbing Everest, I was listening without much interest. I know it’s no easy task to get to the highest peak in the world. Well, some people choose to take up the challenge, they’re up to the challenge and most of them succeed.

And then, he recounted his experience with his illness soon after he got back from climbing the Everest. In 1998, David suffered from a very rare disease called the Guillain-Barre syndrome, where his immune system attacked his nervous system, leaving him totally paralysed. During his treatment and recovery, he has to re-learn everything. His spirit was unwavered. He spoke of how elated he was when he could swing his arm, because then he could dictate words by swinging his hand to the wanted alphabet (written on a paper I presume) and that saved so much time, rather than previously having to have each alphabet recited one by one until he get to the one he wanted before he gave a slight nod. How he celebrated the achievement of finally being able to go to the loo without help, to walk. His story grabbed my attention. This is a man who rose up to the challenge of rehabilitating himself after a total paralysis! He walks with a limp now, but what he did was totally impressive. And he still climbs mountains!

After his experience facing the disease, David became more active in campaigning for the rights of the disabled. In fact, in 2004 he and 3 other disabled men climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. It’s difficult not to be touched and impressed. One of them, Jamie (photo below) lost all his four limbs in a tragic accident. And yet look at his smile – you can how happy and proud he was. His story really humbled me – these people had accepted what they have and struggled to achieve great feats with their amazing spirit and willpower. So - I, whom Allah has created a perfect human being, Alhamdulillah, should stop complaining and making excuses and just get to it! (whatever it may be) InsyaAllah…

The following are four points that David Lim had shared with us during presentation that he said could help us succeed in what we want to achieve:

1. Have an ambitious stretched goal that excites you and can be visualized in 3D future reality


2. Pay the price, for example hard work, sacrifices
   
3. Get the right people, with 5Cs – commitment, competence, compatibility, courage, and communication


4. Separate facts from beliefs