Dilemma of a working mother

Or rather THE dilemma of most, if not all, working mothers.

Yesterday, my baby was crying when I picked him up from his babysitter’s house. I hugged him close; his broken sobs broke my heart. I didn’t know why he cried. Makcik S is an excellent babysitter; I’m thankful to Allah and have no complaints. It broke my heart because my baby cried and I wasn’t there to comfort him and I didn’t know why he cried. For the countless number of times, just I had felt every single day, I felt the desire to quit my job and be a fulltime mother. And why can’t I?

Today, as compared to 30 years ago, working mothers are the rule rather than exception, resulting in the task of mengasuh anak being outsourced. Financial needs force women to work. Society, family, even husbands, expect women to work. Interest, passion, recognition attract women to work. Feminists would argue that this is a proof of women empowerment, but I beg to differ. Women today have less choice and freedom than the yesteryears. As much as women can contribute to their family wellbeing as well as their nation’s development while working in the various sectors out there, I believe that a woman can contribute even more in the dominance of her humble home. In fact, it is my suspicion that the growing numbers of working mothers is one of the (many) factors that contributes to the social ills that we face today. Of course, you’ll say: but I know this and that mother who worked and raised 10 great kids, or I know this and that mother who didn’t and her kids turned out to be ‘problematic’. But I’m talking in general terms here. And if I sound like I’m advocating that all mothers should sacrifice themselves and devote all their time to their husbands and children, I’m not. I respect individual’s aspirations. But sometimes, the reason could be less altruistic than it is selfish. Most mothers naturally feel the responsibility (or ownership, in corporate terms) to nurture their youngs and have the desire to bond with them. So, if my daughter wants to sleep with kakak/bibik when there's lightning and thunder, or my son refuses to come home from his babysitters' house, how would I feel? If I fell to rank number 2 (or 3, or 4) in my babies' universe, how would my ego suffer the blow? So there, call me selfish if you wish.

I hope (and plan) to fulfill my ambition of becoming a fulltime mother, or better, a work-from-home mother, InsyaAllah. What I fear is that I will one day wake up in a comfort zone, feeling very reluctant to change the status quo, wa’iyadzubillah, may Allah guide me always. A family friend once said to me: you can find money, but time and moments lost will be gone forever.

To Mok, thank you ever so much for everything; hanya Allah yang mampu membalas segala budi kasihmu... I love you.