Crucia1 C0nversations – Part 2

The first principle taught was Start with Heart, our own heart that is. It’s a lot to do with getting the right mindset to begin with. The first thing to convince yourself is to: Work on me first. Whilst it’s easy to point fingers at others and say, “But they are the ones who needs to change!”, it is easier to start change with ourselves first. We are usually partly to blame, too. Afterall, we can control our own selves.

The first skill is to: Focus on what I really want. More often than not, in a crucia1 c0nversation, our motives degrade first before our behaviour. You may enter a company meeting, intending to seek the best solution to solve a particular problem, but end up fiercely defending your ideas because you ‘want to win’. Some other lower motives may include: defending myself, saving face, looking good, punishing the other party, etc. You have to be aware of what’s happening during a crucia1 c0nversation and ask yourself: What does it seem like my motive now? What is it that I really want? Example: a wife is upset because her husband forgot their anniversary. Instead of stepping up to a crucia1 c0nversation, she gives him a cold shoulder (lower motive: to punish him) when what she really wants is a warm and loving relationship with her husband.

The second skill is to: Refuse the Sucker’s Choice. Pelik juga istilah ni mula-mula saya dengar dulu (maaf, izinkan saya mencampur-adukkan bahasa), what could it possibly mean? Rupa-rupanya, a ‘sucker’s choice’ is the belief that you have to choose between two bad alternatives. Example: I want to tell my boss that there’s a flaw in his plan, BUT he might think I don’t trust his judgment. Aku nak tegur kawan aku bila dia buat salah sebab aku kisah perihal dia, TAPI aku takut dia ambil hati pula. The idea is to shift from the ‘either/or’ paradigm to ‘AND’ paradigm. Ask yourself: how do I let my boss know of the flaw in his plan AND not give him the impression that I don’t trust his judgment at the same time? Macam mana cara aku boleh menegur rakanku TANPA mengakibatkan dia berkecil hati? You have to believe that you don’t have to choose between results and relationships.