Crucia1 C0nversations - Part 6

I've been wanting to post something for quite awhile now, but my internet time is pretty scarce nowadays. Anyway, I've decided to resume my long-forgotten series of Crucia1 C0nversations sharing. The chapters that had previously been shared are:
Introduction
Start With Heart
Learn to Look
Make It Safe, and
Master My Stories
The chapter to be discussed today is:
STATE My Path
And hopefully I'll be able to finish these last two chapters in the not-too-distant future:
Explore Others' Path
Move to Action

Okay, so far the previous chapters had only gotten us prepared, all were inside our heads - not a word has left our mouths. Now is the time to actually start talking, to STATE My Path, to speak persuasively and not abrasively. When we want to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety, which is by carefully blending 3 ingredients - confidence, humility, and skills.

For this chapter, the skills can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE, which stands for:
S hare your facts
T ell your story
A sk for others' path
T alk tentatively
E ncourage testing
The first 3 skills describe what to do, while the last 2 tell how to do it.

Share your facts. To recap from previous chapter Master My Stories, the Path to Action starts with 'See/Hear', followed by 'Tell A Story', 'Feel', and finally 'Act'. The best way to share our view is to follow our Path to Action from beginning to end - the same way we traveled it. Unfortunately, when we're confronted with difficult situations, our tendency is to do the opposite because we would probably be 'high' on emotions and our own stories. Facts provide a safe beginning because facts are least controversial, most persuasive, and least insulting. Compare this: "You can't be trusted" to this: "You completed this assignment two days later than our agreed deadline."

Tell your story. This can be a bit tricky. Even if we've started with facts, the other person can still become defensive when we move from facts to stories. However, it is necessary to share our story because if we mention facts alone, the other person may not understand what we are getting at. A few tips when telling your story: be confident, don't pile it on, look for safety problems and use contrasting.

Ask for others' paths. Once we've shared our point of view, facts and stories alike, invite others to do the same. If our goal is listen and learn rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you'll be willing to hear others' views. By being open to learning, we are demonstrating our humility, which is one of the necessary ingredients.

Talk tentatively. This means that we should tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a fact. Strike a blend between confidence and humility. Swap "The fact is.." with "In my opinion..". Soften "It's clear to me.." to "I'm beginning to wonder if.." etc. However, remember that we want to be tentative, not wimpy. We don't want to be too hard, nor do we want to be too soft - we want to be just right. Example:
Too hard: Are you stealing office stuffs?
Too soft: This will probably sound silly, but...
Just right: It's starting to look like you're taking this home for your own use. Is that what's going on here?

Encourage testing. This last bit is the 'how' to Ask for others' paths bit. You have to be sincere about wanting to hear the stories on the other side. Invite opposing views and mean it. You may even have to play the devil's advocate. More on others' views to be explored in the next chapter Explore Others' Paths.

For fun, here's a joke that has been around for while, borrowed from Anamiraa's blog (pinjam ye, kak) - very relevant to the Master My Stories chapter :)

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but his mind was far away.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY

Today Liverpool lost again.