Crucial Conversations – Final

Oh no, not this boring post! Fret not, it’s the last one. The final chapter is called Move to Action – how to turn crucial conversations into actions and results. Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree on what we’re going to do with the meaning.

There are two skills involved in this, the first is – decide how to decide. Sometimes, this bit is easy when the line of authority is clear. For example, at work where some decisions is made by the management team or bosses, or at home by parents. But at other times, it may not be so clear. For example, children deserve to play a part in making decisions regarding their free time activities. In these cases, it’s useful to know that there are four methods to make decisions, and perhaps it’s a good idea to agree on which method to use while discussing the issues.

The first is command. We either don’t have a choice but to follow the order (for example, a new policy being introduced at work), or we let others make the decision, either because we trust the someone to make a good decision on our behalf or it’s a low-stake issue that we don’t care enough to be involved. The second is consult, whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. They gather ideas and opinions, evaluate options, make a choice, and them inform the broader population. Consulting can be an efficient way of gaining ideas and support without bogging down the decision-making process. Parents can consult their children on variety of issues, for example which school they’d like to go to, but at the end of the day, it's still the parents who will make the final call. The third is vote, where efficiency is the highest value, and if you’re selecting from a number of options. But the disadvantage is the members who voted against the popular choice may not support the decision. In these cases, consensus is required. Consensus is the fourth option, but it can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. It means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions, but if misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. An example of a consensual decision in a household is when husband and wife discussed and agreed over which property to purchase together.

The second skill is – making assignments, putting decisions into action. It would be useful to spell out or clarify the actions following the decision by the following four elements: Who? Does what? By when? And how will you follow up? This is something that everyone is likely to be familiar with. It’s best to document this, rather than leave it to memory, especially with office assignments, perhaps as part of the minutes of meeting. Make the deliverables clear, record the commitments and then follow up.

Okay, so that’s the end of the story. To recap, these are the chapters that had been covered earlier:
Introduction
Start With Heart
Learn to Look
Make It Safe
Master My Stories
STATE My Path
Explore Others’ Paths

Good luck!

SELINGAN
Some light conversations (casual, not crucial) that I’ve had with my son Munief recently:

ONE
Munief came and gave his sister Afiefah, who was sitting on my lap, a hug.
“Aw.. isn’t that sweet,” I said.
“Nak sweet!” Munief responded.
“Ops, you misunderstood me. That’s not what I meant!”
“Nak sweet!!”
“I’m sorry Munief, Ummi takde sweet. Really!”

TWO
I pointed to the tahi lalat on my arm to Munief and asked,
“Ni apa?”
“Gatal.” Munief answered.
“Bukan, Ummi tak gatal pun.”
“Miyah (merah).”
“Ni bukan merah. Ni hitam. Orang panggil tahi lalat.”
“Talat,” Munief said and slapped the little mole. Ummi laughed.
“Tahi lalat tak sama dengan lalat. And in any case, orang biasanya teboh (slap) nyamuk, bukan lalat!”

THREE
I was cleaning some chicken parts to be cooked for lunch. It was at Tuk’s house, where the kitchen opens out to the backyard. I pointed to some hens at the backyard to Munief.
“Tu apa?”
“Ayam.”
After awhile, I asked again, this time pointing to the chicken in the besen.
“Ni apa?”
“Ayam.” Munief answered. He paused for awhile before saying, “Sama!” while pointing to the hens clucking away in the backyard. I laughed.
“Well, I suppose they are. But those are still alive. This one kita nak masak, lepas tu makan.”