DOs & DON'Ts
... in the first few days (weeks?) when a relative or friend lost a loved one.
Do pray for arwah and sedekahkan al-Fatihah and other ayat-ayat suci al-Qur'an.
Do help to babysit for the little children when the mother wants to mandikan jenazah, solat jenazah, read tahlil etc.
Do offer to help with chores or errands if any.
Do give hugs (if suitable/possible) and say uplifting words.
Don't tell them not to be sad and to stop crying. Being sad does not equal to being 'tak redha'.
Don't ask too much details - what time pergi hospital, what the doctor said etc. If they want to talk about it, let them offer the details.
Don't ask whether arwah has acted differently the week before s/he passed away.
Don't take offense if they don't tell you the sad news immediately.
Don't invoke regrets, for eg, ask why didn't this and that done, either relating to the passing or otherwise (no 'if only' or 'kalau' or 'could have').
Don't expect them to cook to feed people who are coming for tahlil.
Don't be the 'spokeperson' of arwah, saying things like 's/he would have said..' or 's/he would have preferred if you do this or that..'
Don't share your own grief or story, eg 'I know how you feel, just like last time when I...' or 'I know someone who passed away like that too..'
Less preferred consoling words:
"Semua orang pun akan mati juga."
"That's life - things like this happens."
9 comments:
mynie, spot on.
and it is ok to reminisce too. does not mean we cannot let go.
hope you and family are coping well. ((hugs))
bas,
*hugs*
earlier, i consciously avoid reminiscing because mmg sebak dan syahdu. but now i can do so without crying all the time.
last night i dreamt that i dreamt of her. (i know it was mimpi dalam mimpi because in my dream my sister said 'mimpilah tu'). in that mimpi dalam mimpi, she gave me a hug. oh, how i miss Mok *sobs*
when my FIL passed away, it was lots of thinking about 'how he'd cope with the another world' than weeping ourselves. we just can't help thinking "is he happy there? is he OK there?" until our uncle had a dreamt that arwah came and told him his experience in the barzakh. he (arwah) said "I'm ok now, it was just in the first few days i felt some pain on my feet, maybe because i'm still not use to this place".
ada 2 perkara dalam perenggan di atas.
1) English saya semakin teruk dan tidak dapat tolong banyak. huwaaa.
2) bongok sungguh fikir macam tu apa ko ingat orang dah mati tu ada kehidupan macam kita ke huhuhu.
errr alamak sorry don't mean to make joke here. ntah ape2 aku ni.
mommy lyna,
eh takpe, i didn't take it as a joke.
terima kasih kongsi cerita.
kami tak fikir sangat (kalau fikir pun, sendiri2 dalam hati kot) bagaimana keadaan arwah di alam barzakh, cuma kami adik-beradik ikhtiar banyakkan doa, tahlil, dan sedekah amalan2.
Salam mynie.
I am still shock with the news, sama macam masa saya terima your sms tu.... sgt2 terkejut dan tak tergambar di fikiran, mengenangkan apa yg saya tahu about how close all of you with your mom & with each other. Tak tahu & tak mampu nak tulis atau luahkan apa-apa.... I've Read the story in your sister's blog... hope all of you are doing fine.... looking forward to visit you & your family... insya Allah paling lambat pun, syawal nanti...:)
mynie, don't ever forget that we'll insya Allah, be with you. syahdunya rasa. huhu
ummuahmads,
my bro and sisters tulis lebih details dlm blog mereka, tapi saya pilih untuk tidak berbuat demikian. thanks for your support. setakat ni belum ada plan untuk buat public tahlil, but if ada, i'll let you know. kot2 you can come.
ummuauniafif,
thanks for your thought and support.
saya sentiasa terfikir, mcm mana mok di alam baru... the only thing i can do about it banyakkan berdo'a, muga kubur dilapangkan, dijauhkan dr seksa... Amin.
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