Crucia1 C0nversations – Part 5

It’s been quite awhile since the last installation, and even more ‘awhile’ since the course itself. I think some of the stuffs I’ve learnt are ‘seeping out of my brain’. I hope writing this down would jog my memory and reinforce my understanding. To recap, we’ve previously spoken about: Introduction, Start with Heart, Learn to Look, and Make It Safe. Today, let’s explore the next topic which is Master My Stories.

I think that the concept being taught under this principle is quite a powerful one. Essentially, the book points out that: other people don’t make me feel the way I feel - I do! So be careful when we say things like: “He made me so mad!”. Usually our actions are derived from our feelings. But we often forget that before we feel, we first see or hear something, and then we tell a story. Exactly what are ‘stories’ (as being used in this context)? Stories are our interpretations of the facts (that we see/hear). Most of the time, we don’t even realize that we’re telling ourselves stories, because it’s pretty ‘automatic’ and happens blindingly fast.

As an example, one of the authors shared a personal story. About six months into his marriage, his wife came up to him and said, “There’s something I’m not happy about us”. If you were in his shoes, what would your feelings be? Perhaps you might get all defensive and upset and think: “What – after only six months and now our marriage is falling apart?” Instead, he described feeling relieved! Why? Because he also noticed that there were areas that could be improved in their relationship but didn’t how know to bring it up, and had been hoping that she would start first. So remember, any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories, and if we don’t take control of ours stories, they can control us! So, how do we master our stories?

First we have to retrace our path. Earlier, we speak about: see/hear – tell a story – feel – act. Retracing our paths, let’s ask ourselves these questions: act (Notice your behaviour. Am I in some form of silence or violence?), feel (Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?), tell story (Analyse your story. What story I creating these emotions?), see/hear (Get back to the facts. What evidence do I have to support this story?). A bit too ‘academic’ for something we take for granted day in and day out kan? Perhaps after attempting to do some of these some of the times, then it would be a habit and wouldn’t feel so ‘mechanical’.

Another reminder is to watch out for the three ‘clever’ stories, concocted by the authors to help us recognize some of the typical type of stories we tell ourselves. First: victim stories “It’s not my fault” – exaggerates our innocence. To counteract this, turn victims into actors, ask: am I pretending not to notice my own role in this? Second: villain stories “It’s all your fault” – exaggerates the other party’s fault. To counteract this, turn villains into humans, ask: why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? And finally the third: helpless stories “There’s nothing I can do” – we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything. To counteract this, turn the helpless into the able, ask: what do I really want? For me, the other party, for the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

This particular principle reminds me of a concept that is taught in Islam which is husnuzzon (bersangka baik). We shouldn’t be quick in making assumptions, especially based on limited facts, and especially if it leads to negative conclusions. To be continued… at some point. Another three principles to go: STATE my path, explore others’ path, and move to action.