Crucia1 C0nversations - Part 7

The next installation of the Crucia1 C0nversation series is Explore Others' Paths, how to listen when others blow up or clam up. I personally find this chapter rather useful not necessarily as the person directly involved in he conflict, but more as a third person or as a 'mediator'. For example, in the office environment, say in a meeting, when two persons start arguing unproductively, I'd try to use some of the techniques here to lead the discussion back to being productive.

First we have to start with heart - be ready to listen. Be sincere - we have to mean it when we invite them to share their views. Be curious - even when they're upset at us, or we feel that we are under attack, surely we wonder what's really behind this. Stay curious - even when they are sharing unflattering stories about us! Don't resort quickly to pulling out our own Victim, Villain, or Helpless Stories to explain why they're saying what they're saying. Be patient - the other person may still be high on adrenaline if they react in such silence or violence, so it may take some time for them to settle down. Encourage others to retrace their path. Remember the see/hear - tell a story - feel - act sequence? Every sentence, or act, has a history. Try to guide them by asking questions that help them to go back from the beginning. And remember to look for facts.

To encourage others to share their paths we can use four listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly. They can be easily remembered with the acronym AMPP - Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime. Ask to get things rolling - the most obvious and straightforward one. Mirror to confirm feelings - is like holding a mirror to the other person, describing how they look or act. Paraphrase to acknowledge story - so that the other person knows you are trying to understand and that it is safe to talk candidly. And finally, Prime when you are getting nowhere - think your guess out loud, with the intention to encourage the other person to share. But this is not the kind of thing you would do unless nothing else worked.

Some examples:
I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm controlling your life. (Ask)
Cuba pakcik cerita. Apa yang pakcik dengar atau tengok? (Ask)
You said it's no big deal, but your intonation suggest otherwise. (Mirror)
Jadi, adik marah sebab adik tak suka kalau orang lain kacau barang-barang adik, betul? (Paraphrase)
Could it be that you are thinking that we do this just because of the money? (Prime)
Sayang merajuk sebab abang tak belikan beg yang sayang nak tu ke? (Prime)

Let's say you've succeeded in making the other person open up and sharing. What next? Remember your ABCs: Agree when you do, Build if others leave something out, and Compare - when you do differ significantly, don't suggest the other peson is wrong, instead compare your two views.

The next and last part will be Move to Action, how to turn crucial conversations into action and results.